Carbivore
I ate the end (or beginning depending on how you look at it) of the loaf of bread the other day. The 5-year-old me would be disgusted..
High as a Kite
I’ve never done drugs. I get high on life,bitches. And accidentally when I clean my bathroom with bleach since I don’t have any windows in there..
Up in Flames
Justin: Hey look, a wooden fire place!
Me: Huh?
Justin: A WOODEN FIRE PLACE, right over THERE!
Me: Fire places can’t be made of wood, they’d burn down. Idiot.
Justin: Do you even realize what you’re saying?
Diversity and Inclusion
A few weeks ago I was chosen to be the “Diversity and Inclusion Representative” for my job site at work. Must’ve been my sensitivity towards ethnic, economic, and generational differences throughout the workplace. Who knows. So I just finished giving an exasperated presentation on the value of diversity in our company and how being accepting of everybody no matter what their background is, it can help our company grow and ultimately become more successful as we utilize these backgrounds and variety of experiences. So just before I was about to walk away I had a question from our loyal teamster, “Anthony, I drive a truck. How the hell does being accepting of diversity and including everybody relate to me?” As I was listening I could see the smirks and rumbles from my audience as they realized it was extremely sarcastic, just to watch me squirm and stumble over my words trying to come up with an answer. I looked him right in the eye and said, “Well, if you’re anything like me, driving through Manhattan you probably scream insensitive racial epithets at incompetent drivers as you force your way through the big apple. Maybe now you’ll be more accepting of the fact that everybody comes from different backgrounds, and may not have the driving experience you do, and in turn be a little more accepting of your fellow drivers.”
Silence.
“Thank you, everybody have a nice day.”
Healthy
Everybody wants to be healthy to some extent. Whether they admit it or not, nobody really wants to be a sloppy mess. Personally, I’m anal as hell about my weight. I weigh myself every day, work out, stay active, and I’m never satisfied. So when my grandmother said “Anthony, you look healthy, your face looks good.” Something must be wrong with me because I couldn’t help but take this genuine compliment from my grandmother as “Your face looks fat.”
Passing Judgement
The first thing you do when you meet a new person is judge them, people just coined it something a little sweeter - “first impression”. I hate when people proclaim, “I don’t judge!” Bullfuckingshit you don’t judge. Everybody judges, and so many people are so insecure about themselves that when they do have judgement cast upon them, they are offended. You shouldn’t give a shit what other people think of you, just be the best you possible, and laugh at the assholes who can’t figure themselves out as they try giving people like yourself a hard time to compensate the inability to “find themselves”.
Other
Admittedly, I’ve delved into the online dating pool and through my experiences have met some interesting girls that I’d probably never meet otherwise. So as much as I make fun of and ridicule it, it’s brought me some good stories, and more recently, somebody I actually give a shit about. Many shits. She’s the shit. Anyway, on most sites there is a part in your profile to fill out what’s labeled “Religion”. And it’s not something you type in for an answer, (mine would’ve obviously been “Jedi”) you have to choose from a list of about 10 or so different religions including different sects and what not and one of the options is “other”. Who the fuck chooses “other”?! A decent amount of people from my own real life experiences have at least dipped their toes into the religion pool, and whether or not they’ve practiced what they’ve learned about, the person is at least a little knowledgeable on some things related to the subject matter. Even Atheist or Agnostic is an option!! So those I’ve come across that mark themselves as “other” I’ve just avoided and assumed that “Other” is a nice way of saying “Cult”.
Stunning
Somebody told me that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. This made me realize some of my friends need glasses.
Thoughtful
I was cleaning my apartment after work today and came across a black sharpie. Being the man-child and doodler that I am, couldn’t help but start scribbling over a few things for a couple minutes between my straightening up. After I was putting the finishing touches on what was about to be the newest addition to my garbage bin, I noticed I got marker on my fingers. Like a little kid who thought he could graduate from crayon’s to markers for his works of art that will dawn the fridge as he proves to his mother he should be using crayons till he’s 25 cause he’s a moron. So I just sat there looking at my fingers and the first thought through my mind is, “Fuck. My girlfriend is coming by tomorrow and the probability of us doing some extracurricular activities is pretty high, and what if one of those fingers with the marker on them was inside of her? And what if when my finger(s) exited her there was less marker on them?” It’d be like I was the Banksy of her vagina, tagging her insides with my mark that clearly isn’t meant to be there. This instantly made me feel kind of bad and made a quick trip to the drug store for some rubbing alcohol. Shortly after, I was able to rub it off. And I guess what I’m trying to tell you is……..I’m thoughtful.
Once You Go Black
She was the second mulatto girl I’ve gone out with. Just like the last golden skinned lady, made it very clear she preferred white people over black. I’m not sure why they both needed to tell me this, but found it kind of funny nonetheless. So somewhat late last year we were hanging out, having fun, and eventually she just stopped returning texts/talking. Okay, no big deal. She must’ve lost interest, I’ve done it a million times to other girls, and didn’t hold a grudge. Not to my surprise, she started dating her best friend: black guy who followed her around like a puppy dog all day long, apparently that’s what she’s into. So last week, a few months later, she texted me asking how I was doing and apologizing for disappearing. I told her it wasn’t a big deal, and I’ve been good, very happy, and I’m with somebody now that I’m really into. She claims she’s happy for me and goes on to say that she doesn’t have many friends, how she misses my companionship, and wants to hang out one more time before moving in a couple months. I respectfully declined, and couldn’t help but smirk for the next hour because I just busted a myth – Once you go black, you still might go back.
Time Crunch
**Ding Dong**……SHIT. I grabbed the nearest pair of pants I could find, muted my computer, and threw out the cum filled tissues as I rushed to the door as quickly as possible hoping the foreign delivery guy doesn’t decide to give up and take my order with him. As I dash down the hall with remnants of mini-me’s clinging to my leg hair I realize that deciding 15 minutes after ordering delivery that I’d try to bust a nut prior to him showing up wasn’t the best game plan I’d ever come up with. As I make it to the door, the inexplicably happy delivery guy hands me the receipt and a pen to sign to acknowledging I received the order, and he’ll get paid. I happily oblige, and as I take my food and step back inside I realize I didn’t wash my hands post solo coitus. And that’s why the delivery guy, and everyone else, should always carry around hand sanitizer.
Fun Size
Who the fuck came up with “fun size” candy bars? They aren’t fun. And they don’t restrict you from eating a whole candy bar. If anything, once you eat one, you’ll eat AT LEAST two more! By that time you’ve had about 50% more candy bar than if you just had a regular sized bar, and if this trend continues you GET FAT. You’re not eating less, and Hershey’s, or Nestle, or Gertrude Hawk, or Godiva, or whoever the fuck is sneakily getting you to eat more knows that. IT’S A SCAM! AND THEY WIN! EVERY DAMN TIME! Then you’re fat. Congratulations, you just got added to the list of millions of people that work hard to keep our country as the number 1 overweight country in the world.
Performance Review
I had a performance review the other week for work. It’s composed of a shitload of questions I rate myself on, and my manager rates me on, then we talk about it (Ratings ranging from “unskilled” to “excellent” with 3 middle options). Nothing crazy. Part of this process was evaluating my approach to diversity in the work place and my manager rated me as “skilled”, which I argued and said that I should be considered “excellent”. Naturally, she questioned me as to why my rating should be at the highest level and I replied with, “I treat everybody the same; I don’t care what their race is. Think about it, I never call Richie a wetback!”
And that’s how I got my “excellent” rating.
Fire Truck
There’s a fire truck parked in the way of the entrance of the garage/complex I park my car in and all I can think of is, “MOVE IT MOTHERFUCKER, I WANT TO GO HOME!” Completely disregarding the fact that the building could be on fire. That’s when I realized I should probably reconsider my priorities after the work day is over.
Clean Up
I’ve been told two times in the passed few weeks that I “clean up good”. First off, it should be “You clean up well”. That aside, it’s just a really nice way of saying, “Last time I saw you, I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot stick, but now that you’ve shaved and showered I can see that I would jump your bones if you’d only buy me a couple drinks and didn’t say anything too stupid.” I’m still not sure if I should take this as a compliment or not.
